


Sam's Journal

by tahirire



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Gen, One Shot, Sam's Journal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-10-15
Updated: 2008-10-15
Packaged: 2017-10-26 07:21:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/280316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tahirire/pseuds/tahirire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The journal Sam kept while Dean was in Hell</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sam's Journal

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE READ: This fic is a one-shot, but it comes with presents! Some of the journal entry dates are LINKS. If you see a link, *click* it, and it will send you to a 100 word drabble that tells more about that particular entry.

_The hunter picks up the tattered leatherbound book, holds it in his hands like something sacred. He’s afraid to open it, afraid of what he’ll find inside. Tales of a time best forgotten, he thinks._

 _The pages are bloodstained and worn, blurry in places where tears marred the dark ink. Some pages may not even be written in ink, but he can’t tell for sure._

 _The entire book reeks of despair and regret. Five months, that’s all the book entails, but it’s a lifetime. A lifetime of sorrow and want and need. In between the spells, the Latin, the dark magic and the diagrams, tucked between the lines, in ordered, precise writing, is a story that needs to be told._

 _He takes a deep, steadying breath, and he begins to read._

 _~*~_

 _May 3, 2008_

Today I put Dean’s body in the ground. I fought with Bobby. Dean would yell at me, but I don’t care. I didn’t bother nailing the coffin shut.

It’s not going to stay closed.

 

 _[May 5, 2008](http://archiveofourown.org/works/280288) _

I stored all of Dean’s clothes and stuff at Bobby’s, but I kept the trunk the same. I carry the amulet with me. He’ll want it when he gets back, and I need to make sure nothing happens to it while he’s gone. I can’t wear it, though. It isn’t right.

 

 _May 6, 2008_

I stayed as long as I could. He doesn’t understand, and he would never agree to help me with what I’m about to do. I wish I was sorry to leave, but I’m not. He would try to stop me, and I can’t deal with that right now. He’ll come looking, but he won’t find me.

It means a lot that he’ll try.

 

 _May 9, 2008_

Lilith’s off the grid. I’d run too, if I was her.

 

 _May 15, 2008_

I stood at the crossroads for hours. No one showed. I knew they wouldn’t, but. Still, I had to try. Demonic activity is scarce wherever I go. It’s like they’re avoiding me.

I know why, and I hate myself for it. If I’d listened to her, he’d still be alive.

 

 _May 19, 2008_

Had to use the knife today. I guess I should be glad I have it. I’d rather kill the bastards then send them somewhere they can torture Dean.

Shame about the girl, though.

 

 _[May 23, 2008](http://archiveofourown.org/works/280289) _

I haven’t touched the radio since. It was never my place, and it still isn’t. I can’t stand hearing Dean’s music. It’s ironic how I never noticed until last year that most of the songs are about Hell.

At night I take pills to sleep. They make the dreams blurry, so I can’t watch him scream.

But I still hear him.

 

 _June 2, 2008_

It’s been a month. Time in Hell moves differently than it does here, I think. But how it moves is another story. If I think about what’s happening there I’ll go insane. I have to stay focused, concentrate.

But how am I supposed to hunt demons when one day, the black eyes I see in front of me might belong to my brother?

He gave everything for me and I still can’t give him peace. On Earth, I’m the only one that knows his fears.

Not in Hell.

 

 _[June 10, 2008](http://archiveofourown.org/works/280290) _

I pray every day. I don’t even know if I believe anymore, but I still pray, because what if? Dean deserves to live. I know I believe that much. If there is a God, He has to know that. He just has to.

I don’t know if God can listen to demons when they pray.

I pray about that, too … sometimes.

 

 _[June 17, 2008](http://archiveofourown.org/works/280291) _

I saw Dean last week. I was tracking some demons and ran across a spirit that mimics its victim’s greatest loss. It haunts them until they go crazy. I had everything I needed to put it to rest.

I didn’t.

I guess it moved on to someone else after a while. It gave up on me because I’m already crazy. I got drunk. The hangover sucks, but at least it’s feeling something.

 

 _June 23, 2008_

Tracked down the Necromancer. He laughed in my face. I buried the knife in his chest. It would have worked, but it wouldn’t have been Dean, not really. I want him safe, and whole. I don’t need a shadow. I have hundreds of shadows.

 

 _[July 2, 2008](http://archiveofourown.org/works/280292) _

It’s been two months. I was at Benton’s grave today. I have his book. He told me the secret. I’ve been sitting here for hours, staring at it.

Time in Hell is different than time here. If I use it, then I’ll have more time, and someday …

But what if I can’t? Then I can never die, and I can’t stand living like this.

I put Benton back where I found him.

 

 _July 6, 2008_

I took the dream root. It took me a long time to decide to try it. I didn’t want to go crazy, because then who would keep going in my place? But I had to. I had to see him. Even if I could talk to him for just a second –

But nothing happened.

 

 _[July 12, 2008](http://archiveofourown.org/works/280293) _

I can’t find the Colt. It’s probably wherever Lilith is, and she’s nowhere. Just like I’m nowhere. I still get messages from Bobby. I listen to them, always. But I can’t call him back. I just need more time.

 

 _July 21, 2008_

I blew the Gate today. C-4, top grade, didn’t leave a scratch. After, I wondered how I would have closed it back. I realized I hadn’t planned to. It was like waking up for the first time in months.

What was I _thinking_?

This has to end before the world does.

 

 _[July 29, 2008](http://archiveofourown.org/works/280294) _

The Trickster was right.

 

 _August 2, 2008_

It’s been three months. I had to use the knife again today. The demon died right away - the guy didn’t. His eyes were green, like Dean’s.

Screw this. This is never happening to anyone ever again. Not if I can stop it.

Dean, I’m sorry. I have no choice.

 

 _August 8, 2008_

Ruby’s in Hell. I know because she isn’t _here_. I wonder what’s happening to her, if she’s seen him, if she knows he’s even there. I need her out, _now_.

I can get her out, too. I found a way. All it takes is a little blood – and who cares. It’s demon blood anyway.

I can get _her_ out.

I screamed until I couldn’t stop laughing.

 

 _[August 20, 2008](http://archiveofourown.org/works/280295) _

I summoned Ruby. She’s been in Hell, and she remembers everything. She doesn’t talk about it, but I can see it in her eyes, in the way her hands shake. She’s not pushy or a bitch anymore. She looks at me with almost like – gratitude. It makes me sick. I saved a fucking _demon_ and I couldn’t save my brother.

 

 _[August 25, 2008](http://archiveofourown.org/works/280296) _

It worked. I sent a demon back to Hell. Oh God, I sent the bastard straight to Dean. No matter what I do, it only hurts him worse.

I can’t do this. I can’t. I can’t. _I can’t._

 

 _[August 27, 2008](http://archiveofourown.org/works/280297) _

The headaches are worse than they ever were before. I passed out in the street last night. Ruby must have been watching out for me, because I woke up in the motel. I should care that I let my guard down around her. I don’t trust her. I can’t care for her.

But I’m glad she’s here. She’s all I have.

 

 _August 30, 2008_

Saved someone today. I think I might have smiled. I still hate where they go, but – Dean would want this. He’d want me to save people. It felt better than I remembered. Maybe I have a chance to beat this thing after all.

 

 _[September 5, 2008](http://archiveofourown.org/works/280298) _

I haven’t prayed lately. But I prayed today. I don’t know if you’d call it praying so much as begging for forgiveness. Please, please. God. Please. Bring him home.

If not – give me peace. Help me fight this war on my own.

 

 _September 18, 2008_

Dean’s back. He’s alive, and I can’t …

 

 _September 20, 2008_

An ANGEL. Rescued Dean. It’s like – I mean, I thought.

I guess there really is hope after all? I can’t stop staring at him. He’s being an ass, and he’s acting like nothing ever happened, but he’s _Dean_. He’s safe, and whole, and sane – I know I didn’t deserve it. But he did.

An ANGEL. Dean so owes me money.

 

 _October 12, 2008_

So, God doesn’t want me. Castiel is threatened by me. They want me to stop. Where were they when I needed them? Where were they when I asked for another way out of this? Where were they when that bastard murdered my entire family and left me up here to rot?

I’m sorry, I’m sorry – I don’t know what else I – I didn’t think –

I didn’t have a choice then. But I have a choice now.

 

 _October 13, 2008_

Dean knows. He knows and he’s still with me. I’m glad for that. But.

He looks at me and says, “Not alone.”

He has no idea.

~*~

 _The hunter sets down the book, tears streaming down his face. He doesn’t care who sees them, or what anyone may think._

 _He feels the bed dip as a familiar weight settles next to his own. He can’t look up, he can’t stop feeling the tense set of the room around him._

 _A gentle rush of air rustles near his ear, and he realizes it’s a sigh. Softly, no anger in his voice, Sam whispers. “Dean. It’s ok, Dean. It’s ok now.”_

 _Dean turns then, catches his brother’s gaze. His hazel eyes are open, unguarded,_ Sam _._

 _Sam was right. He had no idea._

 _But he knows now._


End file.
